Buried Deep Under Piles of Lust

Last Updated on Wednesday, 23 May 2012 01:44 Written by Wes Saturday, 14 April 2012 10:42

As a young adult, I experienced feelings of loneliness just like most people. And I buried those feelings with lust, pornography and masturbation. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was also burying my ability to feel positive emotions, including love. In recovery, I learned that as an addict the only time I felt loved in my marriage was when we were sexually intimate. In thinking back, the times that I wanted to make love were not motivated by feelings of love, but by feelings that I wasn’t loved. Feelings that would go away if we could just have sex.

I guess that is why recovery hurts. Because in order to reach the place where I can experience feelings of true love, even without sex, I have to be in a place where I can experience feelings of loneliness and true emotional pain without burying them in false emotions like lust.

And this is what makes recovery such an amazing journey. You are forced to go somewhere you spent so much time trying to escape. And the journey back is more painful than the actual destination, so that when you finally get there, you can say, “This isn’t as bad as I thought it was.”

(As a side note: Imagine how hard it was for my spouse to feel loved by someone who only felt loved during sex. But fortunately, my wife’s feelings of love came from within, not without, and so she never seemed to lose her sense of self worth, even when she had been hurt by me. A very unique gift from my point of view. It allowed her to experience the pain I caused whenever I tried to bury my pain, without burying her own pain.)


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